(Via The Dallas Observer) Sometimes, I drink things that contain no alcohol at all. These occurrences are relatively rare, but it is important that I not be entirely tanked for my regular 10 a.m. conference call. One cannot survive on gin alone, which means that zero-proof libations are an absolutely essential part of our lives.

Doctors suggest that we replace all of that sugar and chemicals from our old soda habits with water, but water is boring. There are only so many glasses of plain-ass water that you can chug before you're ready to strangle Gwyneth Paltrow and everyone else who ever told you that healthy living was worth it. You've tried the stupid fruit infusions and the weird flavoring additives that are mostly propylene glycol, but hopefully you've just grown up and moved on to fizzy water.

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